blurred lines

addiction is the devil on earth.

Unconditional love.

unconditional love and life with an addict is hard.

we try to shelter those we love from pain and from shame.

we try to help those we love to make better choices.

because its a way

to protect you from yourself.

unconditional love often looks like enabling.

the lines get so blurred.

maybe unconditional love is enabling.

i love you unconditionally.

i know every single terrible, awful thing you have done.

and yet, I still love you despite your inability to love me back.

despite your inability to love yourself.

i love you despite everything.

i love you unconditionally.

unconditional love allows a lot.

but there are lines.

i will not allow you to lie to me or manipulate me or abuse me.

because we’ve done that for far too long already.

at this point, I need to love you from afar.

because your addictions are strong.

because you don’t know how to tell the truth.

because your addictions are all-encompassing.

your addictions have consumed you.

and, one wrong move and your addictions will consume me too.

because you see – my addiction is trying to protect you, to love you.

and that is why I have no choice but to walk away.

it’s the one single thing I don’t know how to do.

i cut pieces of myself out to fill holes in you.

time and time again.

i don’t know how to walk away from you.

it’s that simple and that complicated all at once.

it’s why i tried to protect you for so long.

it’s why i made questionable choices to keep showing up for you.

it’s why I send you a meal the day after you’ve been high all night & lied to me

because I need to know you’ve eaten

and for you to know you’re loved.

it’s why I try to protect you from ever feeling shame.

it’s why I let you back into my life only for you to walk out again and blame me for being the horrible person.

it’s why now, I still cry.

walking away is hard.

time and time again you have said, ‘It would be different with you here.’

i’m not that powerful.

if I were, we wouldn’t be here.

walking away from you is hard.

it looks different for everyone.

sometimes it’s baby steps in the right direction.

sometimes it’s crawling away.

i can’t save you.

i’ve tried at the cost of my self worth.

i will love you forever.

forever.

hopefully, i’ll see you on the other side.

maybe then we will get it right.